I am going to be a little cryptic here to spare some people’s feelings, so just accept the premise as is.
I was invited to a party tonight, and I don’t get invited to many parties as I don’t have that much friends, but at the door I was rejected to enter because someone else who was not really invited entered late and apparently was more important than me, as they hadn’t seen each other in a while.
When it happened I accepted it for what it was, but as I walked home I got angry about it, showing me that there was something inherently flawed in that logic. I wouldn’t assume that if I went to a party uninvited that they would open the door for me, let alone reject someone else because I was there. And if it is just a matter of numbers, then how am I less than any other person there? And so in my mind it must mean that I am not good enough, just someone to fill the numbers, while logically I know I am just as nice and friendly as any of the others there… So why did I got dumped and not someone else? I don’t know.
Maybe it’s because my face doesn’t show emotions and so it looks like I don’t mind that much, but I do. Things like this just gut me, like my intestines have been pulled out through my nose, and it takes a long time for that feeling to disappear, longer than with most people who can just ‘get over things’ easier, shrug and move on. I don’t ‘get over things’.
Being invited is rare for me, I don’t go to parties all that much and so when I can and actually do, then it’s important for me, but it jut seems to me now that the others just don’t care about what I think or feel, or just don’t see the pain they cause by turning me away. Not that I expect or even should always get my way, though deep inside I would of course like that. Just don’t promise me a cookie, then show me the cookie and then take it away again. That is just unfair.
It feels like someone saying ‘trust me’ and then kicking me in the shins, after which they can say sorry all they want, but it still feels like being kicked in the shins, even if you tell me I can join next time. That is just giving me a band-aid after you kicked me in the shins. It’s a nice gesture to make to stop the bleeding, but it doesn’t take the pain away you caused in the first place.
The only other explanation I can see is that this guy gets that it will hurt me, but trusts me and our friendship enough to put me through this because there would have been a problem otherwise, but someone kicking me in the shins like this sure doesn’t look like a sign of a friendship to me and so it makes me doubt his sincerity, which brings me back to just being a number.
I am angry, I am sad, and right now I crave everything that I know is not good for me, anything to take this pain away and make me forget about it and ‘move on’. I know I can do that, but it takes drastic measures I am not willing to take. I want ice to cool my wrists as I can feel my heart beating, and I know that isn’t a good sign. I want to kick things and scream into people’s faces, but I know I can’t, as those expressions are not in me. I can’t allow myself to do those things as they will damage my friendships and my social life (the little I have), and so all I can do is swallow, which makes me sick to my stomach.
And so in writing this I just want to vent a little, talk about it to someone, though I know that if the wrong person reads this it will diminish me in the eyes of the kicker, who is someone I actually like, and I don’t have that many friends.
I feel tired, sad, pained, disappointed, disillusioned, lonely, empty…and I have no safe cures to take that away. I can only wait for the sick feeling to go away again, which will take days, even weeks. At least alcohol is a solution (little joke there) to make me relax, forget, and the hangover it cases only lasts a day, two at most, days I would otherwise spend in a bad mood anyway. I know drinking isn’t the best way to deal with this, but it is the best one I have available. I just have to make sure I don’t overuse it, like with everything. And music helps too.
For all you out there who deal with people with autism:
All relationships are built on trust, so don’t make promises you can’t keep, don’t take away what you gave away, and don’t go back on your word. Your word is all we have to believe what you say, and when we stop believing in you, we can never again trust you.
Though my face doesn’t show it,
I am very fragile inside.
And every time someone breaks a promise,
Cuts me down, insults me, or feeds me lies,
The rope under my feet is swinging
And I need to steady myself,
I know you cannot help it,
You are just who you are,
And do just what you do,
But know that I am up here,
Balancing the wire,
And there is no net
Don’t tell me to man up,
Because I can’t, and never could,
All I know in life is the high-wire.
Will you be the one,
To have shaken my rope that day?
And who will be there to catch me
When I fall?
~ Martin van Houwelingen, 2015