Personal: the dreams I dream

Last night I had one of those reoccurring dreams again and just in a vein attempt to exercise the demons, I decided to write down what I remember in the other I remembered them.

First thing is a remaining trail of this song, which I woke up with.

Most people will know it from Kill Bill, a movie by Quentin Tarantino starring David Carradine and Uma Thurman (who got old fast by the way… sheesh). But that’s not what the dream is about. Though the movie was fine, I found it overplayed and not that gripping as a story arc. But that’s material for a different blog.

Next thing I remember is my old motorcycle, which I had when I was 18 to about 25. I loved that thing, even though it needed repairs often as about every weekend I was fixing things on it to keep it running.

I am driving along with a girl on a bicycle, but somehow she is much faster than me and disappears now and then to scout ahead, to return and know the way. Though I know she is looking for a specific place and I am just along for the ride in a city I have never been before, I find it hard to see her speed off time and time again, every time being relieved when she returns. And then I find myself at a fork in the road and she is nowhere to be seen. I have to guess which way she headed and turn right, but she is nowhere to be seen as I drive through the neighborhood. So I return to the intersection, but she is not there. So I turn left. Nothing. And so, after more looking around I decide to drive to a train station and take a train home. But the train station is up a very narrow flight of spiraling stairs and I push and push the bike up those stairs, unwilling to leave it behind, unwilling to rely on others to help me pick it up later with a car. Half way up I find there is an elevator also, but the bike doesn’t fit in it and so there is more pushing up stairs until I reach the platform, to find it deserted, no trains, and by the sign it doesn’t seem there will be one coming either. There is an old man there though, me at a much older age as I am now, and he just stares at me for a while as his stare gives me a feeling of dread, believing he has been all this time, waiting for the train that never came. Then he says “It isn’t what you expected, is it.” and then I wake, dizzy and confused, and the music plays.

Now I know that everything you dream relates back onto the dreamer. Every person is you and every item has a personal significance.  The dream tells me that I cannot let go of my past, but I have no room for it either; that I am dragging it along needlessly, but cannot let go as without it I lose my sense of who I am, what I stand for and what makes me happy. But at the same time it drives me in a straight line into a future I will always wait for ‘the train that never comes’, a futile hope of getting to the place where I belong and feel comfortable, because generally I don’t.

So… yeah. What can I say about that…

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