aka An honest review of someone who has been there.
Now when I went to see this movie I was prepared for the worst. I was prepared to hate it with relish and a vengance, I was prepared for just about everything… But this. I didn’t expect this.
Though the movie is, yes, pretty bland and nondescript about the darker sides of BDSM and does drag on a bit… No, a LOT!, plus the attention is mostly on the gratuitous sex scenes. And thank the Gods that they left out the tripe of ‘feeling her inner goddess’… I mean fuck that shit. And yes, the female lead is a bit of a dunce to say it softly, I think the movie did not deserve to be as hated as it has been. No, I have not read the books, though in all honestly did jump on the hating bandwagon by saying I did and disliked them, the movie has, at least to me, several redeeming qualities people seem to overlook.
Yes, mr. Grey is mentally retarded and severely emotionally damaged, but what you have to understand is that Ana is not the lead role in a romantic movie of an innocent girl falling for an extremely rich semi-sadist. If you want that then go look up Histoire d’O. Nor it is a rendition of The Secretary, which does have some similarities bu revolves around a completely different plot. This movie is a straight forward drama about Grey’s struggle to live and succeed in the world with all his failings, and dear God he has plenty. Ana’s role is just as instigator, the one asking the questions, while he tries his damnedest to explain why he is the way he is and show he cares for her while being trapped in his own little, very narrow, world. Everything he does shows that he wants to be with her but is in fact afraid of escaping the life he knows as he doesn’t know who he will be when he gets out there in that other world people live in. And so the ending to this story is only fitting.
To be quite honest, I don’t think he has any qualities to be a good Dominant and to take on a submissive apart from knowing how to tie a half decent knot. She is not the one who needs guidance, he is. He tries to be with her the only way he knows how, through Dominance, knowing full well it has no chance of success. And by the way, if seven lashes with a belt is the worst you can do, then your entire system of punishment kinda falls apart. Plus no submissive should be allowed to actively ASK for punishment, as then it wouldn’t BE punishment, but a cure for something that is ailing her. And at the end, you don’t get to be insulted for having been whipped, as you ASKED for it, literally.
Basically I don’t think the writer had any real idea about what actual BDSM is as the entire story had more of a feel to it that the concept was explained to her by a submissive who is not really able to find the words to describe what happens. Instead we just get a show of toys and wild dreams of what an ideal Dominant would be like, being rich and powerful and showering her with undeserved gifts because he adores her so, and in return she surrenders to him to find ecstasy in his arms. That is not BDSM, that is a hollow pipe-dream of someone lacking any morality. BDSM is sweat and tears, it is trust and longing, desire and betrayal. It is screaming out of agony, hate and joy, smeared make-up and plastic sheeting to catch body liquids. Plus BDSM is a lot more than just ‘having sex in ropes and cuffs’. This storyline would have fitted with any topic, for instance a baker baking the most wonderful cookies which she founds so alluring. The only reason BDSM is involved in it is because sex gets more asses in seats than cookies.
So no, seen from this angle it is not a good movie, not even close. If that is what you wre looking for then Google go and Bondage porn with the child safeties off. BUT what it IS is a beautiful insight into mr. Grey’s damaged soul and a nice introduction into the toys and uses of BDSM for those who want to have a peek behind the curtain without the risk of being grabbed and drawn in. This is soft porn for open minded housewives and reached that niche with the precision of an expert using a bullwhip.
And how do I come to this conclusion? Because I have been there.
Though not anywhere nearly as emotionally damaged or rich as mr. Grey, I can say that for years I did stroll around in the world of BDSM regularly and frequently for years, sometimes even at risk of losing myself, in search of answers. I had always had a feeling that I was ‘baked wrong’, a feeling of being damaged deep inside, and that I didn’t belong in the common world as I had longings and feelings the people around me didn’t seem to have. And so I went looking for a cure. And when it comes to cures, the ecstasy of pain is an easy drug that heals just about anything, though it is also a very temporarily one. The pleasure of pain is in the adrenaline surge it provides, but when it winds down it leaves you hungry for more. When BDSM is a base need like it is with mr. Grey then you are abusing it the way I did and quite honestly most of the people in the world of BDSM are. The BDSM underground is a world filled with misfits in the very basic sense of the word, mis-fitting in the Vanilla world, and a lot of people there are looking for a cure for problems as low self-esteem and even general derangement, way up to total emotional shutdown and God-complex in believing that only THEY know what BDSM is really about, namely their kinks and nothing else. If you look closely you can find just about every sample noted in the entire DSM V, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, a name I find pretty funny as it only misses the B in front of it.
And the interesting thing was that I found the answers I had been looking for when I was lead out of that world through three years of intense therapy which took control over my life as a good Dominant would do without the pain or even the promise of adrenaline. All it took was a regular schedule to keep, decent and regular feeding, and people to talk to, people willing to listen and reflect and in turn me listening and reflecting on their problems. Afterwards I willingly stepped into a vanilla, non-BDSM, relationship with a woman who without comment filled this basic need of stability. Giving up BDSM was the hardest, but also mentally healthiest, thing I have ever done though yes, it can be quite boring and at times I longingly look at my little suitcase of toys gathering dust and yes, there are days when I see a woman walking in front of me with an ass that just makes me long to paddle it red and make her scream from utter pleasure and enjoyment, together if only for a moment forgetting the world or even life itself. As the movie states quite accurately, pain is just fear. Let go of the fear and you will find a whole new world of pleasure.
What it basically comes down to is that the world of BDSM has no rules but for the ones two, or more, people make. It is a game of pleasure, a game of setting rules and trying to find where the other players will bend or break concerning lust, pain, decency and much much more. And when someone goes too far punishment follows. And this is exactly why most relationships within the BDSM world don’t last, as they are on the edge of the knife. There are just too many variables and acceptance in being different is hard to find. As soon as the game becomes more than a kinky version of ‘spin the bottle’ you are walking on a slippery slope. As soon as emotions as anger, hate or distrust come into it, the game becomes inherently flawed, but how can such emotions NOT come into it when you are playing for something as basic as intense physical pleasure?
And that is what, at least to me, what BDSM is in a nutshell and what the story of Fifty Shades is portraying. It is a beautiful insight into the flawed minds of people who feel they have no option but to be the way they are, dig their best to justify their flaws as their personality. And within that it doesn’t matter what kinky things you like are as those are just different flavors of icing on the same kind of cake. But overeating the cake leads to sicknesses you can never really escape afterwards.
This movie shows the flaws of a relationship between a dunce of a girl who should never get into kinky things and a man who has no chance of escaping it. This is Romeo and Juliette in it’s most perverse and kinky way possible.
Now if you have read all of this and are shocked about my candidness of what I have written, it means that you have never met me, or didn’t know me as well as you thought. But that is not a bad thing. It is an opportunity for you to make a choice in knowing the real me. You can now either ignore it all and turn away, or open your eyes and see me. And if you choose the latter, then I invite you to ask me any questions you might have about my experiences with BDSM. I have opened my heart to you and invited you in, and now it is up to you.