As the cold I caught is waning, I find my mind keeps going to all the projects that are on hold. I love helping people to be appreciated and I need help from people on several projects, but somehow both groups have no time or energy to move things along.
The biggest annoyance is that I feel I am not allowed to put names and jobs to my frustration, simply because this would insult these people involved and those who are close to me know I am not really good at interpersonal relationships. I have to struggle and fight to be liked and me harassing them about it won’t do that relationship any good.
But what it does do is annoy the fuck out of me. Why are these people stalling in making a decision one way or another, to make a choice between his thing and that, or just have the common decency to say that the project is called off? Why do I have to hunt them down and beg for them to just get their ass in gear so I can help them with the next step? And why do I get the blame when 1. I actually do throw caution to the wind and tell them this, or 2. over time forget they ever needed help and suddenly find them on my doorstep, completely flabbergasted that I have moved on? I am eager and willing to be helpful, but I am not going to just stand here and wait until you decide to make a move. And on the same level here things I need specialist help with are piling up and I have no one who I trust to help me. How is all this shit always somehow my fault, while all I am trying to do is to be friendly and kind? And why is this friendship I offer not returned?
Now I know that everyone has their own life’s concerns to deal with, but when you are talking about getting things ready to generate income, about asking for help and then ignoring the person you asked, or just ignoring emails in which I ask for help, then how can I do anything but sit and wait for someone else to get a move on? It’s frustrating, purely and simply frustrating, to have parts of my live being kept on hold while I see other people move along. And no, I just cant chuck it and move on as it is not in my nature to be so careless with friendships. These on hold projects are in my mind constantly, humming like a stalled engine that is just going through fuel while doing absolutely nothing.
And I am quite sure that because of this bland message in which I did everything not to point fingers and name names, the people concerned will get pissed off with me for putting the finger on the sore spot because they know they are the ones slacking.
I just want to know why. Why you are holding off, why things are not moving as they should, why my Emails are not answered. Communication is the basis of any healthy relationship and you feeling shame or frustration because I keep asking isn’t going away by ignoring it. What it will do is slowly and surely kill bonds of friendship until I chuck in the towel and say ‘fuck it’. And right now for some that point is coming quite close.