Movie review: Jupiter Ascending (2015)

When we went to see this, I didn’t have very high expectations. I am not a fan of the inability of Mila Kunis to put down a believable role and the male lead by Channing Tatum seemed more of a poster bad-boy than anything else. Sadly enough, I found I was proven right on these points, as Kunis seemed at her best cleaning toilets than anything else, plus that the CGI was so over the top in speed, probably to hide it’s ineptitude, that it almost felt like I had to re-see the movie at half speed. But I won’t, as due to the movie length it was quite ass-numbing already. On top of all that the plot following a young woman of undetermined demographically interesting age had pretty big holes. Why the fuck would you allow your only valuable possession and ace in the hole to go escorted onto an alien ship? ‘We’ll keep her safe and follow you in’  would have been a much wiser choice. And another thing. Bees have no special power to recognize royalty, especially when ‘royalty’ in the sense of the word used in the movie is only defined by ‘rich and powerful’. If something attacks a hive, they will go on a killing spree. Weak plot there, guys.

BUT… having said that and subtracting these points from the movie itself, for which I needed to become slightly tipsy to be honest, I found the scenery quit well worked out. It most reminded me of Dark Crystal, how windows in the background had nice curvy edges and small frilly bits. I love that especially when compared to the swing and a miss Lothlorien was built out of. The general atmosphere was a bit like Guardians of the Galaxy, but the technology used… wow. The mere ship designs brought back memories of solar-sail ships of an old game I can never remember the name of, and interesting species of aliens of which one were really useless for sheer comic effect. Shame they were all of the two legs, two arms, two eyes design. Even if, as the movie suggests, these races solely exist due to gene splicing with a dominant species, then all those races should have special qualities, or else what’s the point. But only the male lead was really over the top as a lycan, even the dragon types were kind of weak in comparison. Formidable, but weak.

Good use of the 3D though, none of that cheap foreground background shit, just push the backgroun back a little and keep it vague as in 47 Ronin and NOT the way they did in the Hobbit. And Boromir didn’t die, which was a bonus. That guy dies too damn much. And the wedding ring scene was a bit of a shame, together with the Prince of Persia escape. Quite a weak ending as well in which nothing was really gained apart from a boyfriend. I would have preferred to see this end in the way Riddick did. You now own a planet. You now own incredible riches. What will you do with it?

So yeah… I think a well deserved 6 on the scale of 1 to 10. Probably not something I would watch again.

I find it such a shame that movies which can hold so much more are just pushed down our throats these days, as the people who make them know we will go see them. But nobody really seems to want to push the envelope anymore, to go beyond marketable into legendary, a movie worth seeing over and over until you know every line and every expression and even THEN on forums is discussed for their hidden meanings.

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