I find that in the week after my brothers death and funeral, which all happened quite suddenly and quite fast, I cannot find the focus to write. Quite honestly part of me cannot yet believe and accept that he is really gone, as we were never that close and so he was only a minor influence in my life. It generally feels like it might all have been a bad dream, seeing all those people crying and morose and meeting up with people again who I had lost touch with. And yes, I have dreams like that.
Also I have no fantasies, because something that is not substantiated by evidence to me will always be in the realm of fantasy until proven, of an afterlife. If he is really gone then he is just… gone. I wanted to type ‘passed on’, but passed on means that there is somewhere to go to, but to where? It is one of those patterns of speech that I have just said, without thinking, and I think a lot these days. I used to say ‘yeah, you too’ a lot, until a movie staff member kindly commented me to ‘enjoy the movie’ and I said ‘yeah… you too.’ And afterwards I couldn’t concentrate on the movie at all as I kept wondering why I had said that. A habit.
I personally don’t fear death, I kind of welcome it, as I find life and living too hard. If life would have an easier setting, like a computer game often has, I would play it again, but on easy setting. I don’t like this setting. There is no story line, a finite time to play in and only one life. If it ends, it ends. But I am not going to cop out either. I have suffered through deep depression in which I have thought about it, but I got some hep, some guidance, some medication for a while, and I am fine with it. I’ll try to do my best, do what I love, and try to rack up a decent comparable score through that. But it there is some meaning to life that is, possibly still, hidden from me then I know I will do badly on the score board there at the end. Will other do worse? Would I get a reset and be allowed to play again (reincarnation)? Do characters you play in a game know they are in a game, controlled by some over-mind, the player, that forces them to do things a certain way or stand still while the over-mind goes to the bathroom? Do they exist when the computer is turned off? And are they screaming inside their little screen minds that they, too, don’t want this?
Because that is what religion feels like to me. That something out there has control over a life, or in this came a lot of lives, and wages epic battles against each other. Just when the Christian God in Europe quits his game to get some much needed sleep as he has to be at work tomorrow (play time: estimated 1000 BC to 1000 AC, the height of Christian control), the God of Islam in the Middle-East is back from school and takes his seat (play time: around 0 AC to 2000 AC, birth of Islam to now), while the God of American Superiority has just had dinner (play time: around 1500 AC to …, where the war for ownership of America begins to ‘when will this shit end?’). And who will win? The one who got there early and has his settlements, farms and industry lined up, the one eager to fight to prove a point, or the eager young player looking to prove himself by risking everything? And do all those little puppets these deities move across their screen silently scream, deep inside? Or have they resigned that what their God told them is true and go at it full blast, knowing that they will be ‘saved’ and can be restarted at that point at a later time? And will they, really, or will they just be replaced by another, equally ignorant, sad sob?
This all in my mind is damn distracting from what I long to do, to write stories for people to read and be distracted for a while from what is going on. But my brain is fried and I think it’s going to take some time to get it all sorted again. And meanwhile I’ll just blog weird little bits like this.
Fried… hmmm… fried eggs…
I’m hungry. 🙂